I complimented her platform shoes and she said she had a clubfoot. I blamed my immaturity but she wasn’t buying it. Then I blamed my sexism.

She spent the day watering his plants. He’d said, Make yourself at home. That evening he took note of her work. I need my space, he thought.

I said sorry. She said, douche is French for shower. I said, I thought it was Polish for sausage. She gave me that look. I apologized again.

He says, Beer makes me fat, and everyone in the room shuts up and at that moment he realizes he has crossed a line and is now officially old.