Tagged: Guys (1,814)

The Pretentious Man says things like, Analogies are bitches growing on trees the color of sunburn. While picking up his unemployment checks.

My neighbor was having a yard sale. I found a crate of porn. My friend told me to buy it. I didn’t. Even though all of it had once been mine.

He wakes cold and alone. He gets out of bed and laments its emptiness. He gets dressed and steps outside. Who should I love today? he thinks.

Then I reached for her and she said, Why? and I had no response that might satisfy her, and so I shrugged and retreated and said, I like to.

I’m too old for you, she says. He disagrees and takes her hand. She tells him her age and he sinks in his chair. You weren’t lying, he says.

The birds mock them from the sky. He resents the effortlessness of their locomotion. She lights a cigarette. I’m bad with stress, he thinks.