She offers me a scotch and I open my mouth to show her my gum, and say, Mint, and she says, I just offered you a scotch, and she walks away.
Twisters
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I clip all the tasty sounding recipes and I boast about having them. But we complain we have nothing to eat; it’s easier to order in anyway.
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We got into a pointless argument at the burger joint. I don’t have a beef with you! I yelled, stupidly, because this caused widespread panic.
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We stand in line at the bakery, waiting for our daily bread. Remember mixed tapes? she says, and we talk about that and order the sourdough.
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She says, Let’s go for a walk, and before I can refuse her we’re walking, and after a while I say, I’m enjoying myself, and this confuses me.
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A minute after my promotion, I received a call from my mother. You don’t call anymore, she said. My balloon popped right there. She heard it.
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I was alone in the house. Out of toilet paper. Phone battery dead. Then a power failure. I closed my eyes. Civilization is cruel, I thought.
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It’s almost over. I don’t want this job. I’m asked to name my best quality. Sometimes I leave the office to fart, I say. I let that sink in.
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I laughed at my joke but no one else did. I bought everyone a round of drinks. I told the joke again. This time, they laughed. I’m so funny.
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I laughed at my joke but no one else did. I bought everyone a round of drinks. I told the joke again. This time, they laughed. I’m so funny.
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