He thought he was too old to find love again. When he did he felt like doing a series of backflips. But he didn’t because he had a bad back.
Tagged: Guys (1,814)
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We bump into each other at the ice cream stand and she says, Were you the one with the mole? and I say that wasn’t me because I hate my mole.
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There is nothing in the fridge. There’s nothing in the fridge, I say. She throws money at me. Maliciously. I don’t want to live, I announce.
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She says, You’re tough. I wipe the blood off my face. Do you like tough? I ask. She touches my arm. I hide my bottle of medicated skin cream.
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We both spotted the tall Japanese woman. She wore a gray t-shirt and a floppy sun hat and skinny jeans. Let’s objectify her, my friend said.
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We went to the mall yesterday. For a long time. Today I feel ill. You don’t look ill, my girlfriend says. That’s because she likes the mall.
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This time I would not dismiss an entire demographic and sully my argument, and I stood and spoke, and my wife said, When did you get so old?
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I can’t watch my kid’s performance. The man in front of me is using his iPad like a camera. I do what must be done. I kill him. To applause.
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A minute after my promotion, I received a call from my mother. You don’t call anymore, she said. My balloon popped right there. She heard it.
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I returned home with a pizza. I put it on the counter and turned on the TV. The phone rang. You haven’t even noticed I’ve left you, she said.
