It is difficult to talk about useless thoughts these days when the world is mesmerized by the useless thoughts of President Whack-A-Mole who is pretty much doing what he said he would do. All of those people who voted for him because they didn’t “take him seriously” or just “wanted to see” what would happen or who claimed there was “no difference” between The Orange One and Hilary are not just assholes but idiots and guilty of the most intense kind of intellectual laziness. The sheer awfulness coming out of Trumplestiltskin’s mouth is leaving an insanely smelly oil slick over America. And soon it might be a literal one. Normally, I don’t feel bad for anyone who must live under a leader who was voted in by democratic means. But I am beginning to feel very bad for my American friends. Very much so.
1. And what is up with Jared Kushner? Like he appeared smart. Sure he had the misfortune of having Sir Whines A Lot as his father-in-law but still. It appears that there is a rupture in his family because of what he is doing. Or not doing. His brother was very visible at the Women’s March. Jared seems to be abandoning everything he may have believed in earlier in life, but his new station very much questions the make up of his very soul. A friend said that he thinks Kushner is gay and that he married a drag queen. That would at least make him interesting.
2. Speaking of dicks. We were dicks to the Neanderthals. They seem like they were nice folk, and the DNA we inherited from them made us start smoking. Or something. I’m not too good with science.
3. And further speaking of The Mouth That Roared, it is possible to escape from him. Because a town in Austria has a job opening. For a hermit. If it’s a 4-year term, where do I apply?
4. Do you like parking garages? Do you like self-driving cars? Well you can’t like both.
5. Did you know there is a “war on cash“? Because there is. Before you ask, “Why would there be a war on cash?” or “What kind of Communist manifesto are we talking here?” this war is being waged in places like Germany and Sweden and Holland. And it’s fucking a lot of people up (never mind the war on cash in India which is a totally different story). And I haven’t even mentioned Bitcoin yet. Because that just new cash.
6. Speaking of cash, you should have bought Dominos stock. Yes, pizza. You should have bet on pizza and not on, say, Google. Because people always need pizza. There’s a chart to prove it. The stock. I don’t need to prove that people always need pizza.
7. Do you ever wonder what it’s like to move to a place so foreign, so diametrically different from the land of your birth that down is up and yes is no? (This might soon be how it will feel for everyone to move to the US as long as they’re not Muslim or Latino because then the point is moot). This story might make you rethink your assumptions. Especially if the place you end up does not resemble what you know from the movies.
8. Speaking of assumptions, Dubai’s firemen now have jetpacks.
9. This story, of a boy and his special friendship with a bunch of marmots (oh, behave), is an antidote to everything the Golden Haired Id will say or do.
10. And if the boy and his marmots don’t do it for you, this website just might. It’s the most random peek at humanity ever. It is also completely hypnotizing. At least it is to me. Because it is Asshole-in-Chief free. I promise. Why? It randomly selects YouTube videos with zero views.
